The Bed Bug Police are coming

It has been determined that having bed bugs biting you all night causes one to squirm, toss and turn, thereby generating more body heat than when at full rest, thereby keeping you warmer under the blankets and requiring less heating on cold nights.

Look on your doorstep in the near future for a little box of bed bugs, compliments of your state equal rights commission. The contents of this box should be carefully spread among all the beds in your house. If you are unsure as to how to do this, please contact the new Bed Bug Czar at 1-800-NoBugsForMe (this is a new energy-saving line direct to the white house Czar Operator, who will answer the call as soon as her bicycle generator is spinning fast enough to power the call. The new Czar will personally appoint a highly trained bed bug inspector to be sure you are in compliance.

All persons not showing a proper amount of bites to the inspector will be given a fine equal to 500% of your average winter heating bill.

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